How to prevent/repair bad arguments
I followed in my mother’s footsteps…
Those lips were meant to demand, demean, put down, and castrate, castrate, and castrate.
I don’t remember her ever praising my father. If she did, would their relationship change? Would he stop the very thing that was hurting her, us?
When it comes to people arguing in a relationship, that dynamic soon becomes like the chicken and egg debate, except that it’s not a debate. One side is shouting, and the other isn’t listening.
Watching a talk by Dr. Harville Hendrix confirmed that even professionals - couples therapists - can get caught up in the trap of this game. Someone needs to be right, the winner, and the other must be made to ‘see’. Can you see what you did wrong???
Nice, if we could see others through the eyes of Love… I don’t think it’s possible in the middle of a heated argument. But for my life, I shall remember that the other is God-like, and thus part of divine creation. In fact, why don’t I see my next romantic interest as if they are God? Anything that can help me stop the train of thought and continue the downward spiral when he has already checked out.
Another tool that helped me communicate better, with love in mind, was the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson.
What are we even fighting about? I want to feel safe in our connection, that you didn’t abandon me (despite your marriage to your work), and that you still care…
What he is about is a mystery - or is it? According to Dr. Johnson, the withdrawing partner has the same core needs. But they hide them to protect their feelings, and perhaps defend themselves against all the negativity coming their way. My giving up on Love had detrimental effects and triggered his raw spots. Some people who interpret that as not being good enough will retreat into themselves to avoid causing more disappointment.
Are you gently knocking on their doors, or are you aggressively tearing it down?
If he’s a God, a human with deeper needs and childhood wounds, and I can make him bigger as a man, as Alisson Armstrong would say, by praise, unconditional acceptance, and approval, why would I be negative and treat him poorly?
I always considered myself a very feminine woman; however, trying to fix your partner, or fix their problems, is a masculine trait, so maybe I should re-evaluate that.
Women look to men to satisfy their craving for feeling loved. When that is not achieved, we protest. It is only natural. Even babies are wired that way!
But perhaps it can happen another way… If men look to women to feel their admiration, trust, and respect, well. Why don’t we give that freely, especially if it helps them fall in love with us?
I can’t help but think,
Wouldn’t it be nice if men started out with this understanding, too? She wants to feel loved, so why don’t I show her some…
Imagine if my lips only kissed, praised, and remained in open awe when he was speaking, so that I could fine-tune my listening skills. No reading between the lines, but asking for clarification to see if I got their words right. How different the world would be?
The next person will benefit from this new skill set.